How to Support Your Child Who is New to Boarding School

The first time that I saw the departure of families after the flurry of registration and getting school schedules, I noted the following: some stoic parents walking firmly away, some parents welling up and wiping a stray tear, and lots of hugs and smiles seeming rapid and full of emotion. Many parents were still trying to help their children set up their rooms or make a last minute list of needed or forgotten essentials. What was really going on was the delay factor. “How can I get one more minute with my child?” parents asked themselves. For day student parents, this time is just as significant of a transition for them and their child, who is being thrust into a different environment with completely fresh faces all while having to navigate the start of a new and important chapter in their lives. 

I have identified some topics that could be of help for families of both boarding and day students, and these bits of advice that follow are just based on my current knowledge as Head of School, and past experience as an administrator, teacher, dorm parent and… a fellow parent. I hope that you understand that this topic is unique to every family just as there are commonalities we share.

If your child has never gone to a sleep-away camp or been apart from you for other long periods of time, this transition could feel like things will never be the same again, but rest assured, they will! The special things you have done with your child are so permanently emblazoned on their memories that they will be the first things they ask for when they come home for break. The raw feelings in the chest will soon dissipate, and you and your child will begin this new experience together in spirit, if apart in distance. 

Cell phones make communication instantaneous, and they are truly powerful and amazing devices! Yet you are now entering a different, or at least a possibly abbreviated level of communication with your child. Thoughtful encouragement and the occasional care package go a long way to helping students feel that home is transportable through the U.S. mail. One thing you could try during this new chapter is writing a letter to your child. It could be a profound and new experience of closeness. You may have to wait for a response, but it is worth it, and something to treasure and save.

When your child has a challenge, what do you do? The most tempting thing is to try to solve the problem for them. I know; I have been there. The fact is that the more that you say things like “I can’t wait to see how you will resolve this! Let me know!,” the more that you will be building your child’s self-efficacy, your child’s understanding of how to take independent steps.

Think of yourself as a coach, and rather than offering your opinions and thoughts, ask good questions, deliver affirming comments to show you are paying attention, and encourage your student to see work and study as things that discipline the mind and create good habits. Sigmund Freud once said that “Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.” Caring for others and sticking to dedicated work will help students to hurdle over the problems, fears, and inconsistencies they will face. 

My two sons were day students at a prior boarding school at which I worked, and it was always a tricky balance between wanting them home for dinner and enabling them to forge connections with the community. Allowing your day student to spend the weekend at activities after sports, watch an outdoor movie, or go on a Sunday shopping trip are some of the ways that belonging and comfort levels develop. Our day students are vibrant members of our community, and the campus is open to them at all times.

One of the things I remember about being away at school was getting all of my work done, making my bed, doing my laundry, and then what? And by the way, where was everybody? It always seems like everyone else was so sure of themselves. By the time my parents came up for family weekend, I was ready to get to the scheduled events. If your child is feeling a bit lost and confused, it may be that they have down time they are not used to. Encourage them to go to our Center for Learning, to Aldrich Lounge, to the Wildcat Den, visit with their advisors, teachers and class deans, or take advantage of some of the weekend outings and activities we offer.

My first day away from home at school was filled with seeing the returning students embracing their friends. I also noticed that some athletes already knew each other from competitions between their schools or from recruitment showcases. Explain to your child that they will be the ones embracing their friends the next year, and they should realize that they are about to make lifelong friends. They just need to be patient.

One of the most amazing secret processes that happens when you attend a boarding school is the gradual but definitive evolution of your own independence – your child’s, and yours! It feels uncertain at first, but as time goes on, the steps are firmer and bouncier, the smiles more quick to emerge, and the willingness to take risks, explore a new path, and embrace the fun and silliness rises. Learning to wait to get past uncertainty and the unknown is something that your child will soon master, and patience, confidence, and openness to new possibilities will take the place of anxiety.

Trust us, trust your child’s advisor, and reach out to us when you need more support to begin this magical journey of witnessing your child’s authentic, confident, talented self emerge in the first stages of adulthood and independence. Watching those moments and the anticipation for them to excel and soar are some of the reasons why we, as college prep school educators, do what we do.

Cheers!

Jennifer