Senior Speaker Series: Ella Tranquada '20
On Monday, January 13, at Community Meeting senior Ella Tranquada ’20 took the stage for the fourth installation of the Senior Speaker Series.
The Series is an opportunity for our student leaders and the wisest most experienced members of the Vermont Academy student body to have the floor and share their thoughts, philosophies, stories, and perspectives with their peers and underclassmen.
Ella read her college essay about hockey helped her find herself and is the foundation of her relationship with her grandfather. Below is her essay:
“How will we ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?” This is a question I asked myself every day, and one that filled the mind of Alaska Young in John Green’s exceptional novel Looking for Alaska. My freshman year of high school I was trapped in this labyrinth, with my world collapsing around me and no discernable way out. I soon learned that the very thing that sucked me into this maze is also what pulled me out, hockey.
I grew up in a hockey-oriented family. Both of my younger brothers play, and my dad coaches my town’s rec hockey team. I will never forget all the mornings that I spent at the rink, completely captivated by how fast-paced everything was, my eyes glued to the puck from the first whistle to the final buzzer. Whenever I visited my Papa, we would watch the Toronto Maple Leaf games and Hockey Night in Canada, and those were some of the only times I was allowed to stay up past my bedtime.
All the while, I desperately wanted to play the sport myself. At the age of thirteen, I decided to go for it, and try out this sport I had always felt connected with. Besides the skills that I lacked, there wasn’t a girls hockey program in my town… I was thegirl’s hockey program. The summer before my ninth grade year I trained with different developmental clinics, running mile after mile, flipping tires larger than me, sprinting down football fields, all in the hopes of making it onto my high school’s team. I never realized the biggest thing standing in my way was my gender.
Tryouts rolled around, and I made it onto the team. I was absolutely ecstatic. All of my hard work had paid off, and I was apart of something that was important to me. It seemed like nothing could knock me off cloud nine.
My hockey team was made up of 20 boys and me… a tiny little freshman girl who barely reached the shoulders of my teammates. I never thought that this would be too much of a problem, as I knew that being smaller has its advantages too. My hockey coach, however, wasn’t all that thrilled that there was a girl on his team. His favourite thing to say to me, was that “girls can’t play hockey.'' My coach would shout profanities at me, screaming that I was never fast enough, and that I would never be good because I was female. I would leave almost every single practice in tears, wanting to quit more than anything in the world, even though this was a sport that I loved. I was torn… this sport brought me so much joy, but somehow being on this team made me have a different outlook. My coach made me feel terrible, but I never wanted to give him the satisfaction that he had gotten to my head. My one saving grace was that many of the boys on the team were supportive of me and became my friends.
During those first couple weeks I had become very good friends with one of the players on the team, and always came to him when I was feeling unhappy or just wanted to talk. We talked about all sorts of things, and he listened to all my rants about how our coach was making me super upset. He started saying that in order to make myself feel better, I needed to make him feel better. I refused, telling him that I never wanted to do anything. He started becoming more and more persistent, saying that he knew what was good for me. During practices he would talk to the other players, saying that I would never be anything. He became aggressive, threatening me, saying that if I didn’t please him in every way he wanted he was going to hurt me. Everything around me collapsed. I was filled with self- doubt, constantly wondering why I ever thought that I could be good enough to be anything. I was 13 years old, and barely knew what to do with my life, and it felt like everything was out of my control. I slipped into a chasm of depression, with everything around me slowly fading. I kept deteriorating, becoming more introverted letting everything nest inside my head like an ugly parasite, until one day I broke.
This was my labyrinth…my personal hedge-maze with knee deep snow drifts. Locked in a hospital room, staring at the ceiling for hours on end, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I wanted to get out. I didn’t care which way, I just hated everything that was going on. Every day that I spent in the hospital, all I talked about was how I much I wanted to play hockey again. Everybody thought I was crazy- how could I possibly go back to the sport that almost ended my life? It seemed crazy to me too at first. I wasn’t going to let what some people said end something that has been such a prominent part of my life. Hockey is what connects me to my family in a way beyond blood.
Thanksgiving dinners are never complete without a hockey game playing in the background, and my brother still calls me every day to tell me how his games went. I have met some of the most amazing people through this sport, and created some of the most amazing memories. What happened to me was terrible, but quitting hockey because of some vapid boy and ignorant coach would’ve been even more tragic. When I was finally released from intensive therapy, I went right back to playing. I worked harder and harder every day, trying to prove to my coach that I was just the same as any other boy on his team. I ended up getting scouted by a local girl’s hockey club, and played for them all last year. I finally learned what it means to have teammates that support you, and a coach who wants you to grow. I continued playing for my high school team, and even though I was benched almost every single game of the season, it was empowering to see my teammates question my coach’s decision, as they could see I was improving. Coming to VA was a turning point in my life, as I was able to finally get away from so many of the things that contributed to my depression. Being here, I’m surrounded by some of the most insanely talented people, and I’m blessed to have to have the opportunity to become friends with them. I have teammates that appreciate me, and coaches who support me and help me grow. I’ve never had this many friends, and I’ve never been happier than I am here. I learned that unlike Alaska Young, I wasn’t going to let the labyrinth swallow me, but rather shape me into who I am today. Thank you.
Thanksgiving dinners are never complete without a hockey game playing in the background, and my brother still calls me every day to tell me how his games went. I have met some of the most amazing people through this sport, and created some of the most amazing memories. What happened to me was terrible, but quitting hockey because of some vapid boy and ignorant coach would’ve been even more tragic. When I was finally released from intensive therapy, I went right back to playing. I worked harder and harder every day, trying to prove to my coach that I was just the same as any other boy on his team. I ended up getting scouted by a local girl’s hockey club, and played for them all last year. I finally learned what it means to have teammates that support you, and a coach who wants you to grow. I continued playing for my high school team, and even though I was benched almost every single game of the season, it was empowering to see my teammates question my coach’s decision, as they could see I was improving. Coming to VA was a turning point in my life, as I was able to finally get away from so many of the things that contributed to my depression. Being here, I’m surrounded by some of the most insanely talented people, and I’m blessed to have to have the opportunity to become friends with them. I have teammates that appreciate me, and coaches who support me and help me grow. I’ve never had this many friends, and I’ve never been happier than I am here. I learned that unlike Alaska Young, I wasn’t going to let the labyrinth swallow me, but rather shape me into who I am today. Thank you.
Vermont Academy is a coed college preparatory boarding and day school in southern Vermont, serving grades 9-12 plus a postgraduate year.
