Senior Speaker Series: Aaron Brown '20
On Monday, November 4, at Community Meeting senior Aaron Brown ‘20 took the stage for the second installation of the Senior Speaker Series.
The Series is an opportunity for our student leaders and the wisest most experienced members of the Vermont Academy student body to have the floor and share their thoughts, philosophies, stories, and perspectives with their peers and underclassmen.
Aaron read a personal essay about his life prior to coming to Vermont Academy. Below is his essay:
Before I begin, a note of warning: I’m going to be talking about mental health and suicide. Just a heads up
Hello, I’m Aaron and I’m a senior. I’m going to talk about my life before VA. I came to VA after Winter break last year. I moved from a place in Utah called Discovery Ranch for Boys, a residential treatment center where I’d lived for about 9 months. Before that, I was in Wilderness for about 3 months and another facility for about two months, all in Utah. Before that, I lived at HOME . . . in Illinois in a suburb of Chicago where I grew up. I was a different person back then. I began high school determined to do well in everything. I worked hard for good grades, took advanced classes, and made varsity cross country and track when I ran a mile in less than 5 minutes. I had a girlfriend, a group of friends, and a social life.
Somehow, despite all these things, I was unhappy inside. I believed that my worth as a person was decided by school, cross country, and my social life. If I didn’t get good grades I was stupid. If I had a hard race or didn’t make a time I wanted, I was slow. If I made a mistake with my girlfriend, I was a jerk. I neglected my emotions as weakness. If I didn’t succeed, I was a failure. Rather than isolating them as separate moments, I let my mistakes overwhelm me. I went through freshman year like this, insecure, on edge, always trying to prove myself.
Sophomore year got worse. I upped the amount of running and schoolwork I was doing. I ran twice a day in between summer school. My teammates worried I was stressing myself, but I ignored them. I thought I needed to run as much as possible. I was never proud of my times. I couldn’t be satisfied with anything. I worried constantly that I wasn’t a good boyfriend, that I wasn’t doing well in school. I couldn’t believe that I was good enough.
By October of sophomore year, things began to unravel. I focused so much on cross country that I barely made time for my friends or my girlfriend. I earned my varsity spot easily. I started the season running very well. I ran a personal best at a huge state-wide meet in early September. I was certain I would keep improving.
My teammate’s concerns came true. I overworked my legs running too much and I hit a wall after that race. I burned out in the race after, I got disqualified from the next, I stopped improving. In fact, I was getting slower. I thought it was something that I should’ve been able to fix with hard work, but I didn’t realize that my mental health affected running. I was depressed and I didn’t even know I was depressed. I didn’t realize how miserable I was constantly trying to validate myself through running. My worth was determined by my performance at races. After another poor race, my coach gave my spot to someone else.
I was heartbroken. I wanted to tell my girlfriend or my parents, but none of them understood why I was so upset over races. So I went home alone. I started writing a note to my family and friends. I wanted to die. A few days after that race, I stopped going to school. I was hospitalized for the first of three suicide attempts. My whole life spiraled out of control from there. I became more depressed. I broke up with my girlfriend. I stopped running completely. I started abusing prescription pills. After my third attempt, my parents realized I needed more help than I could get at home.
Fortunately, I got the help I needed. I moved to Utah on December 15th, 2017. I went from the hospitals to a wilderness program to DR. In January 2019, over a year after I first went to Utah, I came here to VA. I am confident in the person I am today, and the changes I made to my life to get where I am today.
But I wasn’t always so confident. For so long I was ashamed. Ashamed that I tried to kill myself. That I abused prescription pills.That I was depressed. That I failed at suicide. I talk about wilderness and DR because it’s easier to talk about getting better. It’s harder to talk about the actual struggle. The reality is that depression, suicide, and all the experiences that came with it, are a part of my life. A part of my life that used to feel uncomfortable to talk about. I hated being vulnerable because I was afraid of being misunderstood. Now, I’m being vulnerable because I am letting it go, I value these experiences because I understand them. I love the Aaron who wanted to die. It sounds strange, but I know he was doing the best he could at the time. He was dealing with some really difficult pain in his own way, and although ineffectively, I respect that he tried to protect me. I don’t blame him. I am not ashamed of him, I am not scared of him. I wish he could’ve understood himself as I do now, but I’ve forgiven him. I love the person I am today. I’m grateful for my past because it’s who I am and why I’m here. A place where I am good enough. Thank you.
Vermont Academy is a coed college preparatory boarding and day school in southern Vermont, serving grades 9-12 plus a postgraduate year.
